I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
