dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
