We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
