every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
