woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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