I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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