when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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