Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
These tits shall not be calmed
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
