New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
