I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
where does the pee come out of this thing
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
