I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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