Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
