Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
