I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
