The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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