just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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