I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
