i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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