Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
