I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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