i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
jump out the window naked night went bad
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