I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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