Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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