I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
