This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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