who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
