just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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