I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
