First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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