i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I could make wine with my vomit
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
