i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
