You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Randomize
