Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
