I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
should my penis look like a turkey
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
