A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
