Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We have so much sex to catch up on
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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