I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
