look no pants
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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