He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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