Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
