What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
