rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
