he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My bed smells like the plague
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
