You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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