new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
