I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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