I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
