pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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