when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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