I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
