Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
