he shaved USA in his pubs
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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