I wish my penis had an off switch
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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