Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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