Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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