Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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