Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
