Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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